A Mother's Love

I have composed this email in my mind for the past 4 years now. It's been written, deleted and written again. Nothing seems right. What I had written just wasn't good enough.

I can't believe it's been four years since I (we) lost Jared. In that time we decided that we could be parents. That we did have enough love to give to our own child. Since then we have had a miscarriage, a baby, we've moved...what else? Life goes on...but how? How can it just move forward like he never existed? I still struggle daily with this reality.

I vividly recall the day the doctor's told us Jared was gone. That he wouldn't survive without life support. I can still hear my sister scream. I can still see her fall to the ground, engulfed with disbelief and grief.

Time stood still. This wasn't happening...
How could a perfect day of fun, friends, sun and celebration end like this?

Michele. She is my sister but we don't exactly see eye to eye in regards to quality of life in general. We don't get along, period. I never appreciated the life she and Rick provided for Monica and Jared. The kids were never more important than their next score. But the strength that she has shown since the accident was beyond my understanding. But that was before I had my own child.

I can't answer the question of what, how or even if I would survive if I lost a child. I do know that when my child gets hurt, it breaks my heart so badly that if I could take away her pain, I would in an instant. I understand that I would give everything I have to ensure Sydney doesn't want or need anything. I want the best for her, and I want to protect her from life's disappointments, but I don't know how. I do know that I won't stop trying to protect her from it all.

So I entitled this blog 'A Mother's Love'. I did so because I never fully understood what that meant exactly. What truly encompassed a mother's love. Now that I'm a mom, I think I get it...

Perfect?

I often wonder if and when perfection is ever achieved. Well, let me clarify this statement; I used to wonder if perfection was at all possible. But then Sydney came into our lives.

Cheesy statement? Perhaps so. Nonetheless, it is a true and valid statement.

The other night I was reflecting on LBS (Life Before Sydney). I vaguely remember what that life was like. As I was thinking about it, I stopped to remember what I thought was my perfect baby. Boy or girl? I didn't really care. I literally prayed for a healthy, happy, full term baby. Beyond that, what was perfection in my imagination? I think it was brown hair, blue eyes. Athletic. Easy going. You know...the basic "perfect" adjectives.

My idea of perfection and what Sydney truly is, well I can tell you in all honesty that my image of the perfect baby/child did not hold a candle to what the Lord blessed us with. Sydney is a wonderful little girl. She is intelligent. Witty. Funny beyond words. I see some athleticism in her and I also see a love for music. Sydney can look at me and she has the ability to melt my heart. Never in my wildest dreams did I believe that super power was real.

So, as I pondered our LBS and what I thought was a perfect baby...I'm glad my perfect baby is the one we have now. Because in my minds eye, that baby doesn't compare to our Sydney Alice Rooney.

Tina Fey's Prayer for Mothers of Daughters

A Mother's Prayer

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor
Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the
creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her
grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats,
swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on
the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall
restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while
arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris
wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower
of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,”
and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where
she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get
outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord?
Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I
knew, I’d be doing it, dammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy
strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be
interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger
Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping
in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled
invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V:
Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,
Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her
friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may
see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once
exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking
up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she
cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the
delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will
make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I
peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

Permission....

Dreams...

There was a drunk/drug driving incident and a grandpa took his granddaughter, who was involved in the incident, to look at the car in the junk yard. He was trying to teach her a gentle lesson as her mom was afraid she wasn't affected by the wreck. He told her when he was in Vietnam, thinking about his wife, his family, his future...that she was his dream. He said he dreamt of her (and the rest of his grandchildren) and she did not have his permission to take that dream away from him.

I hope that someday, Sydney, you will know without a shadow of a doubt what a dream come true our pregnancy with you and the day of your birth were to mommy and me.

As you grow older Sydney...remember that you do NOT have permission to take our dreams away.

We love you with all our heart, all our soul, all of our everything.

Momma & Mommy

Play Date

Well, it is obvious I have been lagging in my attempt to blog our beautiful daughter's life. I'm sorry Sydney. I'm going to blog, starting with the most recent memories and I will work backwards until I feel satisfied that I have documented everything.

Sunday, April 3, 2011, we met with some friends,(Shana, Amy, Noah, Savannah & M.E.) at SM Park. At first Sydney was a bit stand-offish as she usually is now-a-days. Amy had bubbles which are the quickest way to get Sydney to become your pal. Sydney and I sat down with Amy on the ground and she played with the bubbles, and with Amy, for a very long time.

After bubbles, we went to the creek. Of course Sydney had to have the bubbles with her as she carried them under her arm. We followed behind the big kids, Noah, Savannah & M.E., and Sydney tried so hard to be a big kid. Her tiny, little toddler legs didn't allow her the speed to keep up. She did however keep an eye on everything they did. For instance, when Noah threw leaves into the water, Sydney picked up leaves (with one had because the bubbles were under her other arm) and mimicked his actions. We continued on our journey to the water. Savannah, Noah, & M.E. were playing in the water, throwing rocks and sticks into the creek. Big kid in a baby body had to do the same thing. This time she allowed me to put her bubbles into my pocket while she picked up rocks of every shape and size and threw them in the water. Then she slipped in the water and loved it!! Her little Keen's were soaked and a little muddy, along with her hands, the seat of her shorts, her shirt, and of course my shorts.

The big kids were off to explore the other side of the bridge and we're lagging behind. We get to where they are and learn that someone has lost a shoe. Dang!! Time to backtrack. Thank goodness we found her other Keen or else momma would have been in TROUBLE!! Back to the big kids...back to playing in the water, picking up rocks, squeezing the mud...good times. LUNCH TIME!

We all sat down to eat and enjoyed one another's company. (Thank you for sharing a hamburger with me Amy and Shana). Guess what time it is??? BUBBLES! Sydney walked back and forth between Kristin and myself (we were sitting on the opposite sides of the picnic table) showing us her amazing bubble blowing abililites. She's a GENIUS!

Savannah was playing with a playground ball which piqued Sydney's interest. I cannot say enough positive things about Miss Savannah. She and Syney played for over an hour and Savannah was so gentle and sweet! Sydney simply adored her.

Next came the discovery of DIRT! Sydney would bring Kristin and I dirt clods as she dug them up/found them. Then came sitting in the dirt and making a pile. Finally, the dirt was being put on her legs, and then quickly wiped off. Good times!!!

Thank you Ballard/Jenkins family for a wonderful day!
Sydney loved every second of our time together and she slept like a rock!

I'll Always Be Here...

I never imagined that a baby would show any signs of insecurity. I mean seriously, what do they have to be insecure about?

As I watch Sydney grow, she is 10 months now, she is learning and trying so many new things. For instance, walking with assistance. Sydney can walk around the table, the love seat and the couch with no hesitation. I watch her as she decides that she wants to try something different, something new. Freestyle walking. That is what I call it anyway.

Freestyle walking - to walk with no assistance. She thinks about doing this often, although she doesn't have the confidence to do so. The lack of confidence surprises me. Who has told her she can't do this? Is doubting yourself something we are born with?

As she lets go of the couch to take that first step, I can see her mind racing. I can see her hesitation. Maybe she's just scared? Unsure? I know she can do it and I want her to know this too. How do you reassure this little person who shouldn't have a doubt in the world about what she is capable of?

Sydney, we will always be here for you. When you fall, and trust us, you are going to fall. Don't ever let it stop you from pushing forward and moving ahead. You have nothing to be afraid of so shoot for the moon. Or at least take that very first step all by yourself. You can do it!

Cruising???

Why was it so difficult for Kristin and I to realize that our newborn who seemingly just turned into an official infant is now in Cruiser's-size diapers???

For those who don't know what a Cruiser is, it's Pamper's brand of diaper for the infants who are no longer in the Swaddler's diaper. To me, the word swaddle makes me think of a sweet, innocent little newborn or even an infant. The word Cruiser makes me think of a baby who is on the go, toddling around. Not our sweet, little baby! She can't be that big already!!!

I'm not sure how we're going to handle Sydney's growth spurts in the future but I will tell you, our breakdown in the Wal-Mart baby section was not pretty.