A Mother's Love

I have composed this email in my mind for the past 4 years now. It's been written, deleted and written again. Nothing seems right. What I had written just wasn't good enough.

I can't believe it's been four years since I (we) lost Jared. In that time we decided that we could be parents. That we did have enough love to give to our own child. Since then we have had a miscarriage, a baby, we've moved...what else? Life goes on...but how? How can it just move forward like he never existed? I still struggle daily with this reality.

I vividly recall the day the doctor's told us Jared was gone. That he wouldn't survive without life support. I can still hear my sister scream. I can still see her fall to the ground, engulfed with disbelief and grief.

Time stood still. This wasn't happening...
How could a perfect day of fun, friends, sun and celebration end like this?

Michele. She is my sister but we don't exactly see eye to eye in regards to quality of life in general. We don't get along, period. I never appreciated the life she and Rick provided for Monica and Jared. The kids were never more important than their next score. But the strength that she has shown since the accident was beyond my understanding. But that was before I had my own child.

I can't answer the question of what, how or even if I would survive if I lost a child. I do know that when my child gets hurt, it breaks my heart so badly that if I could take away her pain, I would in an instant. I understand that I would give everything I have to ensure Sydney doesn't want or need anything. I want the best for her, and I want to protect her from life's disappointments, but I don't know how. I do know that I won't stop trying to protect her from it all.

So I entitled this blog 'A Mother's Love'. I did so because I never fully understood what that meant exactly. What truly encompassed a mother's love. Now that I'm a mom, I think I get it...